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Experiments with
Breakfast
My Saturday mornings are finely timed affairs. The
whole aim is to get from bedside to poolside as quickly
as possible and preferably without waking up. This
usually results in monosyllabic conversation and puffy
half closed eyes but nothing that demonic Darrens'
satanic sets can't sort out. The problem with this
routine is that I'm running on auto pilot and barely
responsible for my actions. In fact the ghosts of good
advice, most of which is contradictory, haunt me:
"Breakfast is the best meal of the day" and
"Don't go swimming after eating"
The problem is that I'm going to eat and I'm going to
swim. Not eating first thing has been my downfall before.
I know that sensation of arms and legs getting heavier
and heavier until the water takes on the viscosity of
treacle. No not eating is not an option.
The problem has now become what to eat. Using the cooker
in my Saturday morning state is not an option. Breakfast
must be fast and easy to prepare. This is where the
experiment begins. The procedure is: -
1. Select an item, e.g. Jam Sandwich, Mars bar, Kit Kat,
Last nights curry, power bar, bowl of cereal, apple,
orange, cheese, tinned sardines, etc.
2. Eat item as quickly as possible whilst trying to find
towel, goggles and trunks
3. As soon as possible after eating swim to the point of
nausea
4. Carry on swimming until breakfast can be tasted again.
5. Stop swimming, leave pool and vomit.
Obviously with a good breakfast I will never reach stage
3 but with a spectacularly bad breakfast (cold curry)
stage five is a matter of minutes. Everything else fits
neatly in-between.
After all this highly scientific study I've come to a
number of significant but fairly obvious conclusions.
Firstly cold curry should never, ever be considered as a
suitable breakfast. Secondly anything that comes out of a
wrapper that has the words "energy" or
"power" written on it should be avoided at all
times and finally although not quite "the breakfast
of champions" a marmite sandwich really is the
breakfast of mediocre swimmers.
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